Spies among us

What the Post didn’t report and
what can now be revealed for the first time is that the Russians not only had
this passive intelligence-gathering program. It also had a program that was
intended to actively undermine American democracy. We at the JMU news network
have uncorroborated evidence of these spies:

Lady Gaga: Her wardrobes are outrageous, her activities are
unacceptable, but her music is actually rather catchy. Gaga, whose actual name
is Gagalova, was sent to America by the successor to the KGB with one mission: Turn
children against their parents. Spark a civil war within each home. Inspire the
kids, especially little girls, to dress inappropriately, driving parents, and
especially working mothers, completely crazy.

Glenn Beck: Under the heading, “he doth
protest too much,” the KGB first thought of a program to spark a breakdown in
democracy by installing a “Communist-hater” in a place of influence. What
better place than Fox News Channel? Nobody would expect it. The KGB first
thought of putting Beck on CNN, but then realized that nobody watches CNN
anymore. Beck, who spins conspiracy theories on a daily basis, has sparked the
tea-party anti-government movement, which the Russians hope will lead to the
dissolution of the Republican Party and allow the Democrats to maintain control
of the Congress.

Steve Jobs: The Russians wanted
Steve Jobs to infiltrate the computer market back in the 1980’s, and find a way
to stop Microsoft from taking over the world. They also wanted him to somehow
confuse the youth of America with a system that was not compatible with any
others. Jobs succeeded brilliantly. He has a loyal following of Mac users who
will go to any lengths to get the latest Apple product, even waiting in line
outside of Apple Stores for days and weeks.

Tom Cruise: The Scientology cult
is all just a Russian front and Tom Cruise is the lead actor in the plan to
have Russia infiltrate Hollywood. FBI agents noticed some similarities between
some Scientologist rituals and rituals of the Russian Orthodox Church, which
first raised some suspicions about Cruise’s loyalty. Those suspicions were
confirmed when the FBI examined Cruise’s movements during the “Mission
Impossible” movies. “Clearly, Cruise had the kind of advanced martial arts
training used primarily by the Russians,” one agent confided.

Ronald McDonald: “The red hair
gave him away. I can’t believe we didn’t catch him earlier.” That was the
reaction of another investigator about the explosive allegations that the
McDonald’s hamburger empire was constructed by the Russians to subvert our
nation’s youth and make the American people obese. Now, American kids whine
incessantly, ironically, about their desire for a “Happy Meal,” as their
parents gobble up the latest half-pounder offering with a super-sized Coke and
order of French fries. Mission Accomplished.

Bernie Madoff: Madoff is a
Russian spy and his Ponzi scheme was constructed under the active involvement
of the KGB. Madoff’s absconded billions are actually safely under Kremlin
control from a bank in the Cayman Islands. Madoff was tasked with undermining
confidence in the American investment and finance sector, and obviously, he did
a remarkable job of delivering.

Google: Is it any surprise that
one of Google’s founders is a Russian? Of course not. Google job was diminish
the power of intellectual property rights in America, end any sense of privacy,
and give the Russian government the ability to spy on everybody at the same
time. Do you think they have succeeded?

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