Memo to: Bill Cinton
From: Human Resources, Democratic Party
RE: Abusive behavior
Dear President Clinton:
We have received a deluge of complaints about your conduct as you speak out on behalf of one of the candidates.
In a nutshell, it has come to our attention that you have displayed unacceptable behavior in public, which could severely damage our efforts to take over the country. The citations include:
*Extreme Narcissism
This will obviously surprise you, but this campaign is not all about you. The candidate, this time, is HILLARY Clinton, not Bill.
*Sexism
In these modern times a wife does not need a husband to do her dirty work. She is now allowed to misrepresent her opponent without a man to help her.
*Insecurity
You have shown an inability to tolerate anyone but the most obsequious sycophants. Your rants aimed at reporters who dare ask uncomfortable questions demonstrate a refusal to acknowledge a fundamental reality: They are not there to serve as your pliant propagandists. If you want a
Smithers, watch “The Simpsons.”
*Distortion
Because of past behavior, you must be fastidiously truthful. There have been complaints that you have been anything but. Your descriptions of the opposition can be gently described as disingenuous. If you are interested in preserving your legacy you/we can ill afford reminders of the word-parsing bad old days.
The entire party takes pride in the first Clinton presidency, and is delighted at the possibility of a second one.
What we are most excited about, however, is electing a Democrat to the White House, WHICHEVER candidate is chosen as our standard-bearer. We cannot tolerate your divisive, Vince Lombardi-like tactics.
If you Clintons continue this way, you may win the nomination battle, but we Democrats could lose the election war to the Republicans.
May we suggest that you immediately enroll in an anger-management course. In the meantime, this memorandum will go into your file. It’s not the first one.