It wasn’t the sound of distant gunfire in the still air of early morning or the ever-present police helicopter that awoke me from slumber. Instead it was a very real horror of the dream state. To wit: one of those nightmares that get you sweating.
My heart was beating as I recalled it.
President Donald J. Trump was in the situation room at Trump Taj Mahal talking to a group of Bonobos in the middle of a screaming fit. Across the room Chimps in diapers smoked cigars and drank cheap cognac.
Trump had the presidential briefcase opened. One finger hovered over the button. His other hand held a smart phone. He began to tweet.
“Kim Jong Un, you are a total loser. Desperate! No imagination. A totally overrated clown who speaks without knowing the facts.”
He turned to the chimps.
“Losers such as Kim Jong Un use me for publicity for themselves. They are strictly third rate.”
The whole room became a cacophony of screams, grunts and gurgles.
Rudy Giuliani ran in. He was wearing a sash that said “Sec. of State” and a badge that looked like the Order of the Thistle star Prince Charles wears when he goes to an important gathering like dinner or the movies.
Rudy sputtered. Trump tweeted and the monkeys cackled.
“Is this what we are in for?” I wondered as I lay awake listening to the police helicopter circle my corner of Los Angeles.
I wanted to sleep. Usually the drone of the blades provides the right balance of white noise to accompany a pleasant return to sleep. It wasn’t working
“Wait! This is Thanksgiving week! If I list all the things to be thankful for maybe it will shut this nightmare out of my head.
First thing that popped up? Pizza. I gotta say I’m thankful for Round Table Pizza, even if it leads to crazy nightmares.
But there’s also Netflix.
I mean if you think Trump is bad, honestly he’s not as bad as Frank Underwood or the guy dating Kerry Washington in “Scandal.” Not by a long shot.
Then there’s the NFL. Trump’s non-victory is upsetting sure, but who needs an argument with less enlightened family members about it? The NFL provides the perfect excuse to start drinking, especially every time Colin Kaepernick opens his trap. Not one of your yokel cousins will question the consumption of several Bloody Marys and cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon during the game or the post game stupidity.
Also, we’ve cheap flights to Canada for which to be thankful. Yup. Saw a one-way trip from LAX to Toronto the other day for $199. Not bad. Canada is now accepting citizenship applications and their “dollar” is worth a lot less than ours. It’s probably why the 405 was such a mess Tuesday night. Oh, yeah and the pizza in Windsor (or South Detroit) is amazing
As for reasons to be continually thankful, I don’t want to leave out Lester Holt and the NBC Nightly News or in the alternative the weird-looking dude that anchors ABC’s network news. Be thankful you can escape reality night after night when Holt or the other guy takes to the airwaves.
Where else can you find highlights of “World’s Scariest Police Chases”, “Jackass”, “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila?” or investigations into whether your friends will be able to tell the difference between boxed and bottled wine at dinner rolled into a very neat 22-minute package preceding Jeopardy or Access Hollywood?
This is serious escapism for folks not ready to pack up and leave for Montreal, Toronto or Windsor.
So yeah, I realized we have a lot to be thankful for in 2016. President Barack Obama’s still in office. So, I took a deep breath and decided to live for the moment. After all, we’ve got until next year before we’re faced with the very real possibility of Donald J. Trump holding a briefcase with the nuclear launch codes in a roomful of sycophants.
Until then, Happy Holidays.
Girardot is an award-winning former editor and columnist with the Los Angeles News Group. He is co-author of true crime tales “A Taste For Murder” and the soon-to-be released “Betrayal in Blue: The Shocking Memoir of the Scandal that Rocked the NYPD.” Follow him on Twitter @FrankGirardot
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