Breaking News

Obama Declared Winner

Washington, D.C., Monday, Oct. 6, 2008

Today, The New York Times took the unprecedented step of declaring Barack Obama the 44th president of the United States, The Associated Press reports.

The report was quickly confirmed by The Washington Post, MSNBC, Newsweek and the Chicago Tribune.

The New York Times’s Bill Keller said: “We believe that we have sufficient data to confirm that Barack Obama has an insurmountable advantage, based on our scientific polling, so we decided to be the first to declare Obama president.”

President-elect Obama had put out a statement: “While this is unusual, I do believe, based on the latest polls I have seen, that I won. I am gratified for this result. This is the kind of change that we all can believe in, the kind of change election where most people do not have to get out of their homes and go through the boring process of actually voting. This is very scientific, and I think we should all be happy with the result.”

Obama went on to say, “My team is already drafting up plans to increase taxes on all those rich people, especially all those folks who make more than $100,000. We really need the money and we need more fairness in this society, ASAP.”

A stunned John McCain said: “I sacrificed my whole life, body and soul for the principle that democracy was made up of people who actually vote on Election Day. I think this is a very troubling precedent, and it could have long-term implications for the future of this country.”

The House of Representatives is expected to ratify the election next week in a special session of Congress. They will also pass a resolution declaring that all incumbents who want to will be allowed to keep their congressional seats, based on the principle that most incumbents win, and why go through the bother of an actual election?

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) congratulated President-elect Obama. “President Obama deserves to win this election, based on his overwhelming strength in the polls. Since we need to be here to enact his far-reaching and, in my opinion, positively radical agenda, I am proud that we have passed H.R. 1111, a bill to protect every incumbent from a tough election. Congrats, Barack. Together, we can make beautiful music together.”

The latest surveys have Obama up anywhere between two and eight points, with a margin of error anywhere between two and eight points. Keller declared that this data was convincing enough for the Times: “We know that nobody ever lies to pollsters. We also know that President-elect Obama will be good for the country because he believes pretty much everything we believe. In all the focus groups I have seen, everybody is voting for Obama!”

When pressed about these focus groups, Keller said, “You know focus groups. Mostly my family and friends at the local bar. They are all voting for Obama!”

It is still not clear if this declaration will pass constitutional muster. The McCain camp is preparing a lawsuit to stop Obama from actually taking office until he actually is elected. It is expected that the U.S. Supreme Court will take the case up later this week.

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