A Conversation That Might Happen

[Note: Mr. Goldfarb has since printed a retraction to this blog — Ed.]

This conversation was recorded in September 2009, and is reproduced here for public edification.

Office of the Vice President of the United States (VP): “I have the vice president on the line.”

Librarian of Congress (LOC): “Good morning, Ms. Vice President.”

VP: “Good morning to you. I’m calling about a troublesome problem that’s come to our attention, concerning some of the books in your library.”

LOC: “Oh, what books? What problem?”

VP: “Let me note some titles that concern me, and others.”

LOC: “Indeed.”

VP: “Is it correct you have Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller on your shelves?”

LOC: “Yes, I’m certain we do. Would you like us to sign out a copy for you?”

VP: “Absolutely not! What about Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain?”

LOC: “No doubt we have them, Ms. Vice President. They are American classics.”

VP: “How about Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman? By the way, is he related to Christie Whitman? They’re both from New Jersey, I understand.”

LOC: “Not that I know of. Yes, we do have Leaves of Grass.”

VP: “How about the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling?”

LOC: “Yes. A most popular book for children.”

VP: “So I’ve heard. Children! That’s what concerns us.”

LOC: “But children don’t choose books, their parents do.”

VP: “Some parents. How about Little Red Riding Hood by the Grimm brothers—suitable names, I’d say.”

LOC: “We do have that book, yes.”

VP: “Tarzan of the Apes by E.R. Burroughs?”

LOC: “Yes, no doubt. Why are you asking, may I inquire?”

VP: “I’ve had troubles when I was in government in Wasilla, Alaska, with these books. When the town librarian refused to take them off the shelves, I made an effort to remove her. A word to the wise …”

LOC: “Is this some kind of bad joke? Who is this really?”

VP: “If this is a joke, the joke is on you. What is your name? If indeed these nasty books are on our shelves, bought with taxpayers’ money, books like To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee, Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare, Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary, The Color Purple by Alice Walker, The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger …”

LOC: “Have you read these books?”

VP: “Don’t be impertinent, or you’ll be sorry.”

LOC: “But these are some of the most-read books, Ms. V.P. …”

VP: “So is Mein Kampf, but our Jewish taxpayers would be shocked if our government was buying and displaying it.”

LOC: “I can’t believe this conversation.”

VP: “Well, if you like your job, you’ll heed my words and review the list of books my office will be sending you. I wasn’t elected by the American people last year to be complacent about public money being used to propagate left-wing propaganda. It is time for change in this government.”

[Silence]

VP: “Are you there? Hello … dammit, you’ll be hearing from the attorney general.”

[to Aide]: “Get Attorney General Giuliani on the line …”

NOTE: According to autonomedia.org, minutes of the Wasilla Library Board stated that these books, and many others, were on a list Sarah Palin attempted to ban from the Wasilla Public Library. When she failed, she attempted to fire the librarian, also unsuccessfully.