Conventioning Worth Mentioning

“Change You Can Believe In”? Hey, Barack Obama, if you want to get elected, the first change should probably be to the Democratic tradition of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. It’s happening again as those resentfully nursing their bruised egos pursue their thwarted entitlements. They show no remorse whatsoever about sacrificing the party to their own agendas. I don’t name any names here. Now do I?

Denver may be a good place to start the difficult job of explaining the concept of “team” to those whose first question is “What’s in this for me?”

The question is, how does one inspire all these Machiavellian armies to march together? Here are some ideas that might convince them they need to wrestle Republicans instead of each other.

*Prominently schedule George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld as the convention’s main speakers. This is not as counterintuitive as it sounds. No one better than these guys could unite the Democrats into their common purpose of getting rid of these people. Sometimes folks just need a little reminder of what this is all about.

I know, I know. You’re already thinking that none of the GOP Big Three would ever agree to address the Democratic National Convention. But don’t be too sure. A promise by Barack Obama that he would grant them pardons for war crimes might be very tempting indeed.

*In addition to the separate scheduled speeches by Bill and Hillary Clinton, have them appear together. Need I say more?

As for the still bent-out-of-shape Hillary supporters who complain Obama didn’t even have her vetted as he considered his vice president choice, it should be remembered that there are few people in history who have been as vetted as the Clintons.

For the truly diehard, there’s always the hope she’ll be John McCain’s choice for running mate, considering how he’s recycling so much of what she said as she fought it out with Obama in the primaries.

*Forget about imposing such tight control on image. The Obama campaign has been consistently anal about sticking to the message of the day. Now that Joe Biden is on the ticket, that becomes an exercise in futility. He says whatever the hell he wants, whenever the hell he wants. Plan on replacing the aforementioned image control with damage control.

*Since Obama is making his speech at Mile High Stadium, or whatever it’s called, arrange for this coronation event to be carried by the NFL Network. The venue is already wired, and since this is really the campaign team’s final preseason game, maybe he can get a few football fans to tune in.

*In each of the conventioneer’s hotel rooms, include in the welcoming goodie bags a little toy Swift Boat. When it’s placed in the bathtub water, it will spew a noxious stain of lies and then immediately sink.

*Last but emphatically not least: Do not — do NOT — have any opening prayer or invocation delivered by the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. No way. And amen.

Visit Mr. Franken’s website at www.bobfranken.tv.