The White Choice

It is probably safe to say that the evangelicals who are in Washington this weekend for their values gathering won’t be engaging in the usual out-of-town conventioneer barhopping and carousing.

First all all, what happens here definitely does not stay here. And what’ll be happening with the white protestants is aimed at the millions who live elsewhere, since it is safe to say most of them do live elsewhere in that place we all know as “The Heartland.”

Just because they aren’t partying the night away doesn’t mean they won’t be having a rip-roarin’ time. Let’s face it: What could be more entertaining than watching Rudy Giuliani try to finesse the fact that he has almost nothing in common with their social agenda. It’ll take a lot more than a cell phone call from his wife. To pull this off, he’ll probably need one from an even higher power. He’d want a speakerphone for that one.

But with all these white people in town, I wanted to announce that I’ve chosen the person who will speak for all of us.

You will remember that I expressed the concern that we who are colorless don’t have someone like Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton … someone TV bookers and politicians always turn to. We too need someone who will always be there when the cameras are, to always inform the world what we all are feeling. About anything.

Since that column, I’ve received many recommendations. First of all, to many of you, what you’re telling me to do is physically impossible.

The rest of you had a variety of suggestions. I want you to know that I took them seriously. Dick Cheney, for instance, has a lot going for him. But he doesn’t speak for all white people. At least I certainly hope not. In fact he rarely speaks, unless it’s to sycophants.

Some of the best ideas were surprises. Pat Boone? BRILLIANT!! He is so “driven snow” that he rises from obscurity to become our first runner-up.

But our winner is someone of great prominence. Someone we see every day. He’s a movie and television star so he’s comfortable around cameras. As Sharpton and Jackson have shown us, the ability to shove everyone else aside whenever there are cameras is essential if you’re going to speak for an entire race.

The winner is a man who truly represents the hopes, the ideals, of white people everywhere, someone who can speak for all of us, someone who’s always available when the news networks need to fill time between commercial breaks.

By now you’ve probably guessed who he is. I am talking of course about Homer Simpson. It’s embarrassingly obvious.

It is true you won’t find him at this weekend’s gathering of family values leaders. But they don’t speak for all of us, not like Homer. As Mr. Burns would say, he is an “excellent” choice.