New Law: Brush Your Teeth

John Edwards said Tuesday that he would push for a law requiring that everyone get a health checkup at least once a year. Breaking that law would be punished with a stiff fine.

Hillary Clinton has a new proposal that requires that all people brush their teeth at least once a day. If you miss a day, you are required under her proposal to give up sweets — including candy and ice cream — for a month. 

Dennis Kucinich proposed that all Americans must sit in the waiting room for at least a half-hour. “Rich Americans,” he said, “should have to sit in waiting rooms every bit as long as poor Americans. And they should read the same magazines.” Kucinich’s proposal contains a mandate that all waiting-room magazines be at least two months old.

Barack Obama proposed a new mandate that all Americans must run in place for at least 30 minutes. Only a note from your doctor will excuse you from that mandate. “People in America are too fat. Making Americans run in place for 30 minutes will be good for their waistlines and hopefully send a message that in America, we have the patience to go nowhere but try real hard at the same time.”

Chris Dodd proposed today a subsidy for all Americans to whiten their teeth. “People will smile more if they have white teeth. And if more people smile, this will be a better country.”

Joe Biden proposed a mandate that any American who is balding has to either (a) shave off all of his or her hair or (b) get hairplugs. “I know how personally devastating it can be to be balding but not quite bald. It is time for all Americans to make a choice. Sitting on the fence is not good enough.”

Mike Gravel suggested that the U.S. institute a program to encourage crazy people to run for elected office. “Look at what running for president has done for me,” he said. “I am crazy, and I have never felt better!”

Bill Richardson proposed that all Americans get their healthcare in Mexico, citing the billions in costs that could be saved. “Look, let’s be realistic,” Richardson said. “If we want to save money, let’s move all healthcare to Mexico. Instead of having the Mexicans come here for jobs, we can go there for healthcare. But just remember: Don’t drink the water.”