Obama to impose fly zone

Responding to pressure from bird watchers and French President Nicolas
Sarkozy, President Obama today announced his plans to impose a “fly
zone” to help stop the slaughter of millions of birds by their longtime
arch-enemy, cats.

Pentagon experts are scratching their heads, trying to figure out
exactly how this “fly zone” (or no-cat zone, as insiders are calling it)
will be created.

The New York Times reported today, in an article titled “Tweety
Was Right: Cats Are a Bird’s No. 1 Enemy,” that birds are getting wiped
out by cats across the country, according to a new study. “A new study
in The Journal of Ornithology on the mortality of baby gray
catbirds in the Washington suburbs found that cats were the No. 1 killer
in the area, by a large margin. Nearly 80 percent of the birds were
killed by predators, and cats were responsible for 47 percent of those
deaths, according to the researchers, from the Smithsonian Institution
and Towson University in Maryland. Death rates were particularly high in
neighborhoods with large cat populations.”

In Paris, Sarkozy told reporters: “We must do sometheeng about zee leetle birds. Les chats est tres mal. Zey must be stopped.”

The Times reported, “The American Bird Conservancy estimates that up to 500 million birds are killed each year by cats — about half by pets and half by feral felines.”

“I hope we can now stop minimizing and trivializing the impacts that outdoor cats have on the environment and start addressing the serious problem of cat predation,” said Darin Schroeder, the group’s vice president for conservation advocacy.

President Obama said that stopping the slaughter of innocent birds was in the national security interests of the United States and consistent with moral philosophy. “These birds simply don’t have a chance. They aren’t big enough to take on the cats. They are not bad enough to take on the cats. It’s just not enough to sit back and let nature take its course. We must intervene.” 

Hillary Clinton was said to be insistent on the new policy. One source said she suggested that her husband, former President Bill Clinton, be detailed to negotiate with the leader of the cat nation. “Bill certainly spent a lot of time catting around, so he was a natural to lead the negotiations.” 

A spokesman for the Cat Lover’s Association (or CLA) said that cats were getting a bum rap. “Cats provide a valuable service to the American people. Just think how bad of shape your windshield would be if cats didn’t do their natural duty and take out some of these birds. This ‘fly zone’ is absolutely ridiculous. They should call it a no-park zone, because, believe me, if your car is parked anywhere near those bird ‘sanctuaries,’ it will be targeted. Those birds play the innocent victim, but they deserve everything they get, believe me.”