Over the years, each of us has seen numerous communications from parents and guardians, especially of first-year students. But recently, the volume and specificity of inquiries have grown exponentially, driven in part by the establishment of parent Facebook groups.
Many of the questions are important and appropriate. Who should be contacted in an emergency? What health and counseling services are available? Who receives student grades? Who gets informed — and when — if a student faces disciplinary action? Answers to these questions are usually available on college and university websites or in the emails and other communications sent to new students and parents.
But some parent Facebook posts underscore a growing concern among college and university faculty and staff. Many of you, it seems, are seeking to “solve” problems your students can — and should — sort out for themselves as they learn to become more independent and self-sufficient.
We understand that you want your students to get off to a good start and that social media and email provide an unprecedented opportunity to get answers quickly and connect with other parents; nonetheless, in a twist on the iconic advice of Ronald Reagan, we urge you to trust (your children) and, unless it is urgently necessary, refrain from verifying.
Typical questions on parent Facebook groups include clothing (everything from the best winter boots to party attire), the number and location of washing machines and dryers in each residence hall, whether machines are top or front loading, the best dryer settings, whether high-efficiency detergent should be used, room dimensions and setup (including floor plans, diagrams and photos), bed height, sheet size, mattress toppers, dresser capacity, the utility of bed risers and stackable bins, bike storage, rug size, window size, lighting, cleaning supplies, acceptable wall hangings, the advisability of air purifiers, refrigerators, televisions, microwaves, printers, and fans, and, by the parent of a tall student, the height of shower heads in the bathroom.
Other common questions address banking information, course registration, faculty advisers and first meetings, medical services, orientation trips, where to eat, and where to get a car repaired.
Some of these questions are important for planning, others less so, but students can and — in the vast majority of cases will — find the answers themselves, even though they might not do so as expeditiously or as well as you could. If students use the wrong dryer setting, they will learn that clothes may shrink but also something much more important: how to overcome obstacles and learn from mistakes.
Social science research suggests that Generation Z is less independent and more psychologically vulnerable than previous generations. According to social psychologist Jean Twenge, today’s teens are less likely to “leave the house without their parents,” date, engage in sexual activity, hold a driver’s license, drink alcohol, socialize with peers in person, or engage “in the responsibilities and pleasures of adulthood” than teens were a few decades ago. Eighteen-year-olds, Twenge observes, “now act more like 15-year-olds used to.”
Too often, it seems, the helicopter parents of the past, constantly hovering nearby to ensure their children’s safety, have given way to the snowplow parents of today, intent on clearing every obstacle from their children’s path. But as the former dean of freshmen at Stanford University has observed, snowplow parents have it backward: “The point is to prepare the kid for the road, instead of preparing the road for the kid.”
Many of you are in constant touch with your students through texting, FaceTime, and email That’s a good thing — up to a point, especially if you spend much of the time listening and encouraging. But if you take over tasks your students should handle — whether it’s setting up their room, contacting a professor about a grade or managing a roommate conflict — you may undermine their ability to function as independent adults.
Of course, it’s appropriate for you to serve as a sounding board, and, if you suspect or know that a serious problem has arisen, you should not hesitate to reach out to the student services staff on campus. Well-trained professionals will investigate, with discretion, when that is called for, and they will intercede, if appropriate, and get back to you.
College is an opportunity for students to grow emotionally as well as academically. If you allow your children to make their own choices and live with the consequences, even if it results in a stumble or a fall, you may become the best educators of all. And in doing so, you will be far more likely to forge better, stronger and healthier relationships with the young adults you love so much.
Glenn C. Altschuler is the Thomas and Dorothy Litwin Professor of American Studies at Cornell University. He is the co-author (with Isaac Kramnick) of “Cornell: A History, 1940-2015.”
David Wippman is the President of Hamilton College.